Box Chocolate Review

Vosges

Info Details
Country USA   (Chicago, IL)
Style Industrial      (masquerading as New School)
lo
med
hi
CQ
Sweetness
Intensity
Complexity
Impact
A bird that flies up its own ass in a fine-chocolate fraud.

Perhaps the only chocolatier worse than Godiva is Vosges. Both have won their low-ratings the hard way. They earned them. show more »
Presentation   4.3 / 5
little Ben Wa balls @ $2.50/pop = Grand Theft Chocolate but that misses the point: it’s all about packaging, purple ribbons, style annihilating substance, gushy foodie-speak / marketing language... ahhhhh, a swish Lifestyle... including notes on sophistical wine ‘n chocolate paired-skankdowns
Aromas   1.8 / 5
masala & the bottom of Chinese take-out cartons (rancid fried sesame oil)
Textures/Melt   4.1 / 10
Shells: brittle, semi-thick
Centers: stiff glop
Flavor   18.3 / 50
no one ruins couverture w/ more panache; chocolate forgery as artefact, segregated imbalances, pure unadulterated air-kisses generating affection sans emotion; combos miss consistently & impotently (worse, they can’t even fake it well); definitional froufrou (‘rustling sound of skirts at play; lifestyle based on flirtation, w/ arsenals of clothes & bangles’) & poshlust (‘the trashy, cheap, useless & overpriced given grandiose purpose & meaning but most don't want to lose the sense of false-belonging so in a soft-drink ‘n game-show culture, it’s embraced’) – thank you JP & U-D
Quality   6.7 / 30
Abysmal dilettante. The Fannie May of 21st century urban commerce zones.
Selections
Couverture: mostly generic Callebaut
Naga – presumably named after the former headhunters in India; this thing tastes of the insides of skulls; pure cranium isotopes embalmed in cheap curry; in keeping w/ Vosges’ globalist agenda, there’s a similar word in Spanish for it: a whole lotta nada
Viola – good thing Bartók & Hindemith pre-date this or they would’ve dropped the instrument & never bothered writing those concertos; burnt candied violet nose... violence embedded in Milk Choc... random composition... a mosh-pit mash-up that leaves behind the guilty pleasure of satisfaction recalling Victor Hugo’s comment about a man hasn’t lived until feeling the shame of leaving a whore house
Tlan Nacu – waxen points & machine oil (WD-40) on the inhalation; vanilla bean covered in Dark Choc; ‘very bean forward’ - each taking turns stomping on each other; Baskin Robbins 31 vanilla chocolate ice-cream FXs but w/ scouring talc at the back
Xocatyl – supposedly the Aztec/Mayan term (but they spoke different languages!!) for chocolate beverage that’s shrouded in Vosges’ version of history; of course aborigines weren’t adding milk to it but why let facts get in the way of recreational activity; a lazy Milk Choc version of Tlan Nacu, rounds out to caramel swirl
Wink of a Rabbit – boring caramel drool that just sleeps on it
Ambrosia – liner notes read “cocoa butter imparts the smoothest, sweetest, lightest flavor to white chocolate, allowing this truffle to literally melt in your mouth.” Yes, Dorothy, white may be white but it could've been called blue
Rooster – taleggio cheese, walnuts & Dark Choc; if this were born out of a wager, the bet is lost as the contradiction never harmonizes since nothing really happens in this assemblage; instead pushes the envelope to a cancelling effect of mediocre elements; shaped into a comely little dildo, the flavor is all unlubed condom & no cum which makes even the cock crow
Olio d’Oliva – there’s no bottom to which they don’t go; Zabar’s quality olives, brine & all, defiles El Rey’s white chocolate Icoa; repulsive gleek
Absinthe – no longer banned by Puritan America so Vosges, worst at what it does best, tries to fake it w/ a syrupy slurry of fennel, anise, & pastis making wormwood riggle much to the disgust of de Quincey, Wilde, Hemingway... not a louche just a louse of a combo
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