Various Bars
by Chocolarder
Impact
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Some 15,000 years ago inside Gough’s Cave during the Ice Age in southwest England, early Brits drank from human skull cups – their version of tap-dancing upon someone’s head. Oxford University archeologist Rick Schulting explains that “It’s not some barbaric bloodthirsty example. It’s always a ritualistic setting where you eat the remains of the dead, but we can’t know in this case whether you’re eating your own revered ancestors, to keep in contact, or eating the outsider, the enemy, as a way of insulting them and imbibing their power & their spirit.”
However the good professor wishes to rationalize it, evidently African bushmen & Amazon jungle dwellers weren’t alone when it came to cannibalism. Whether out of respect or contempt, it goes to the argument we’re all human after all.
Chocolarder of Great Britain offers these bars that inherit the more wild / uncivilized side as it rummages thru the pantry in gathering this collection.
Appearance 2.9 / 5
| Color: | muddy / murky riverbed browns (mostly) to jaundice (the Javan and Cornish Honeycomb) |
| Surface: | weathered; generalized eye-sores |
| Temper: | shuttered & disabled |
| Snap: | monsters of the chocolate midway… bodybuilders that gut it out |
Aroma 7 / 10
Peruvian Dark
almost blank then cinnamon sparks some leguminous vines to climb out of the nothingness
Nibbed Cacao
draws another blank before slapping on interior house paint followed by, inexplicably, a watermelon break
Dominican Republic Dark
a piglet in a poke constructed with caustic materials on a grass lawn
wait long enough…. half a day & the low tide exposes coral
Javan Milk
fab nut-toffee brittle, warm buttered honey
hay
English milk dulls into plaster… processing compounds to… ultimately a cream cloud
Cornish Honeycomb
honey nut-butters
Wild Gorse Flower
dried flowers & coconut ground into talcum powder -> PlayDoh® & paint
almost blank then cinnamon sparks some leguminous vines to climb out of the nothingness
Nibbed Cacao
draws another blank before slapping on interior house paint followed by, inexplicably, a watermelon break
Dominican Republic Dark
a piglet in a poke constructed with caustic materials on a grass lawn
wait long enough…. half a day & the low tide exposes coral
Javan Milk
fab nut-toffee brittle, warm buttered honey
hay
English milk dulls into plaster… processing compounds to… ultimately a cream cloud
Cornish Honeycomb
honey nut-butters
Wild Gorse Flower
dried flowers & coconut ground into talcum powder -> PlayDoh® & paint
Mouthfeel 11.2 / 15
| Texture: | easy bite down (powder); low-tempering |
| Melt: | quick sets though in some bars none too soon |
Flavor 38.4 / 50
Peruvian Dark
mold / chalk hits right off the bat -> corrects & settles into banana-cocoa tannin -> mallow, then gentian roots (the latter mainly projects bitter) -> cinnamon picked up in the Aroma but bitter never leaves & chalk returns for a gripping finish of velcro-level stringency
Nibbed Cacao
similar to the Peruvian Dark (the base employed here), just add cocoa-bisquik + evanescent dragon fruit -> walnut bread -> astringent raw cocoa aka the English penchant for "green banana"
Dominican Republic Dark
cacáo verde / green cocoa -> grassy nuts -> flattens out atop shallow bitter -> shell / husk / thin bark -> inviolable astringency or what the cocoa gurus may wish to characterize as cat urine to accompany their monkey-sense bananas
Javan Milk
dumps powdered milk on the pal (for palette)… once dust settles, patiently acquires butter toffee -> golden hay -> honey… loiters like this around a slightly numbing betel leaf -> illipe nut-butter -> goes away jaggery
Cornish Honeycomb
sugar rush -> caramelized butter -> Indian corn
Wild Gorse Flower
coconut milk -> caramel -> coconut palm sugar nectar
mold / chalk hits right off the bat -> corrects & settles into banana-cocoa tannin -> mallow, then gentian roots (the latter mainly projects bitter) -> cinnamon picked up in the Aroma but bitter never leaves & chalk returns for a gripping finish of velcro-level stringency
Nibbed Cacao
similar to the Peruvian Dark (the base employed here), just add cocoa-bisquik + evanescent dragon fruit -> walnut bread -> astringent raw cocoa aka the English penchant for "green banana"
Dominican Republic Dark
cacáo verde / green cocoa -> grassy nuts -> flattens out atop shallow bitter -> shell / husk / thin bark -> inviolable astringency or what the cocoa gurus may wish to characterize as cat urine to accompany their monkey-sense bananas
Javan Milk
dumps powdered milk on the pal (for palette)… once dust settles, patiently acquires butter toffee -> golden hay -> honey… loiters like this around a slightly numbing betel leaf -> illipe nut-butter -> goes away jaggery
Cornish Honeycomb
sugar rush -> caramelized butter -> Indian corn
Wild Gorse Flower
coconut milk -> caramel -> coconut palm sugar nectar
Quality 13.1 / 20
Peruvian Dark
Batch C4
Fraught beginning & ending squeezing an acceptable middle. Alarmingly bitter for a 65% cacáo-content. All that sugar fails to ameliorate the defects. Ditto 78 hours of grinding. All of which undermine any notion of "Criollo" marketed on the wrapper.
No area of the world currently abuses the maligned Criollo with false advertising more than the UK. It speaks to the susceptibity of Brits despite a plethora of shows, conferences, & festivals, plus irresolute leadership in the niche. Irish Wilkie's misconstrues the varietal. Duffy's stretches the category. This bar here. A general permissiveness prevails within the space to just muck. yuck & suck it up. Stay on it & soon BS will stand for 'Brit Shit' now that bullfighting is up against it by the animal rights groups.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar
Nibbed Cacao
Batch C4; Conched 78 hours
Chocolarder's 65% Peruvian Dark subjected to caramelized Nibs (nice touch / positive development) hyped to create "distinct peaty whiskey flavour" which overstates the matter. Literally. For, unfortunately, the company goes parsimonious on the Nibs… the larder must be running low on them as this bar contains but a couple. Seriously, like 2 of them. Too bad because they altered for the better the base bar. No getting around the mold / chalk aspects from a suspect seed lot that spoil the signal-to-noise ratio.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, NIbs
Dominican Republic Dark
Batch C6; 80% cacáo-content; Conched 80 hours
More "Criollo" because, hey, "Criollo" grows everywhere & Chocolarder gets its hands on all of it.
Even rookies have been known to hit grand slams with D.R., an origin synonymous with prodigious cacáo. How to explain this then, piss poor. Hazard to guess possibly Sanchez / unfermented despite what the package says "fermented for longer". Oh, yeah, well that explains the pork in the poke.
Incompetence all the way around.
Amateur-grade.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar
Javan Milk
Batch C6; 40% cacáo-content; Conched 68 hours
Precious few of Java's traditional smoke tones. This just the opposite: tastes unsmoked. As such, it could practically be from anywhere / everywhere on Earth until realizing that only a couple origins can direct that rich a buttery toffee profile. Java cacáo, known for its inherent caramel pack, concentrates those compounds in tandem with dairy to galvanize a heavy flavor yet light, even buoyant, on the pal.
A near-fab bar.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, whole milk powder
Cornish Honeycomb
Batch C8
Incorporated within the Javan Milk (above) are some honeycombs. Buttered-out makes for contrastive anemic flavor, compounded by the addition of baking soda which acts to alkalize the cocoa some. Chocolate thus largely a non-factor in this confected slab.
What the English term 'moreish'.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, whole milk powder, honeycomb bits, bicarbonate of soda
Wild Gorse Flower
Batch C7
Yet a 3rd bar utilizing Javan Milk. The showy yellow-petaled gorse stands in almost identically for a coconut double.
The most halting of melts / textures in Chooclarder's line-up
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, whole milk powder, cocoa butter, gorse flower
Reviewed March 26, 2015
Batch C4
Fraught beginning & ending squeezing an acceptable middle. Alarmingly bitter for a 65% cacáo-content. All that sugar fails to ameliorate the defects. Ditto 78 hours of grinding. All of which undermine any notion of "Criollo" marketed on the wrapper.
No area of the world currently abuses the maligned Criollo with false advertising more than the UK. It speaks to the susceptibity of Brits despite a plethora of shows, conferences, & festivals, plus irresolute leadership in the niche. Irish Wilkie's misconstrues the varietal. Duffy's stretches the category. This bar here. A general permissiveness prevails within the space to just muck. yuck & suck it up. Stay on it & soon BS will stand for 'Brit Shit' now that bullfighting is up against it by the animal rights groups.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar
Nibbed Cacao
Batch C4; Conched 78 hours
Chocolarder's 65% Peruvian Dark subjected to caramelized Nibs (nice touch / positive development) hyped to create "distinct peaty whiskey flavour" which overstates the matter. Literally. For, unfortunately, the company goes parsimonious on the Nibs… the larder must be running low on them as this bar contains but a couple. Seriously, like 2 of them. Too bad because they altered for the better the base bar. No getting around the mold / chalk aspects from a suspect seed lot that spoil the signal-to-noise ratio.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, NIbs
Dominican Republic Dark
Batch C6; 80% cacáo-content; Conched 80 hours
More "Criollo" because, hey, "Criollo" grows everywhere & Chocolarder gets its hands on all of it.
Even rookies have been known to hit grand slams with D.R., an origin synonymous with prodigious cacáo. How to explain this then, piss poor. Hazard to guess possibly Sanchez / unfermented despite what the package says "fermented for longer". Oh, yeah, well that explains the pork in the poke.
Incompetence all the way around.
Amateur-grade.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar
Javan Milk
Batch C6; 40% cacáo-content; Conched 68 hours
Precious few of Java's traditional smoke tones. This just the opposite: tastes unsmoked. As such, it could practically be from anywhere / everywhere on Earth until realizing that only a couple origins can direct that rich a buttery toffee profile. Java cacáo, known for its inherent caramel pack, concentrates those compounds in tandem with dairy to galvanize a heavy flavor yet light, even buoyant, on the pal.
A near-fab bar.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, whole milk powder
Cornish Honeycomb
Batch C8
Incorporated within the Javan Milk (above) are some honeycombs. Buttered-out makes for contrastive anemic flavor, compounded by the addition of baking soda which acts to alkalize the cocoa some. Chocolate thus largely a non-factor in this confected slab.
What the English term 'moreish'.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, whole milk powder, honeycomb bits, bicarbonate of soda
Wild Gorse Flower
Batch C7
Yet a 3rd bar utilizing Javan Milk. The showy yellow-petaled gorse stands in almost identically for a coconut double.
The most halting of melts / textures in Chooclarder's line-up
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, raw sugar, whole milk powder, cocoa butter, gorse flower
Reviewed March 26, 2015