Sacred Heart Milk
by Sacred Chocolate
Impact
Raw, unroasted cocoa... dry-wall material best suited for attracting termites
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Appearance 3.8 / 5
hearted-shaped in pink coral foil as if it’s the next best organ to Jesus’ prepuce
hearted-shaped in pink coral foil as if it’s the next best organ to Jesus’ prepuce
| Color: | mouse-liver brown |
| Surface: | |
| Temper: | dull semi-flat |
| Snap: | strong enough to make fingers tremor but insides reveal differing hues & uneven consistency due to poor mixing / blending or whatever it is raw-nauts do, resembling a tree cutaway – light at the center, dark at the bark |
Aroma 3.4 / 10
WARNING: wear respiratory mask: toxic household odors covering basement floor dirt all the way up to a musty attic, w/ yeasty maple syrup hardening in the cupboard, desiccated vanilla stuck to the veneer, stinking strawflower out back, & a general ramshackle cardboard whiff, er, in this case “aromatherapy”... liner notes from manufacturer read “smells like the Canadian forest in full bloom”.... presumably its metaphor for an untrimmed bush oozing candida
Mouthfeel 11.9 / 15
| Texture: | fittingly coarse & dry |
| Melt: | the lone acceptable feature |
Flavor 6.66 / 50
particle board -> stinking strawflower (a/k/a helichrysum foetidum) from some dusty cobwebbed potpourri -> bitter cardboard -> grout & caulk -> industrial coconut -> cheap maple malt that might still be sold at a decrepit amusement park like Coney Island -> ends in spittle
Quality 1 / 20
1 point simply for existing; skank spam / putrid baby vomit.
Evidently processed with the husks left on the nib as this has all the hallmarks of them.
Tastes utterly untested before being released to the unwary public. Label indicates “love” among the ingredients & it truly has - get a load of this - an off-taste of fast food take-out ejaculated on by a teenage employee for the benefit of some harrassing police officer. Gives chocolate a bad name & should be banned in the hope of saving endangered species – both theobroma cacao & homo sapiens.
Reviewed Spring 2010
Evidently processed with the husks left on the nib as this has all the hallmarks of them.
Tastes utterly untested before being released to the unwary public. Label indicates “love” among the ingredients & it truly has - get a load of this - an off-taste of fast food take-out ejaculated on by a teenage employee for the benefit of some harrassing police officer. Gives chocolate a bad name & should be banned in the hope of saving endangered species – both theobroma cacao & homo sapiens.
Reviewed Spring 2010