Box Chocolate Review

Hotel Chocolat

Info Details
Country UK   (London)
Style Industrial      (attired in Neo-Modern)
Secretive Motel-6 get-away, with a major make-over, for a tryst to Marcy's Playground "I Smell Sex & Candy" dropping the soundtrack. But by the 3rd piece you realize you don't want to be here anymore. Calling down to the front desk... f^@k, phone's out of order... so running out the lobby door while throwing the room keys at the receptionist, yelling that your lover suffers from premature evacuation.
Presentation   4.6 / 5
taking their name very seriously; lean Post-Mod urban design found in the ‘W’ Hotel chain or any “iconic” property of Ian Schrager (think Gansevoort Hotel in the NYC’s Meatpacking district), replete w/ suite names for each collection (e.g., “The Catwalk” – to remind of the fashion show which must be attended that evening in the mezzanine ballroom although in this case it's mainly cakewalking w/ sugar dancing w/ the devil) & a B’way theater-style insert in the “program" (RE: flavor guide) announcing substitutions for that box’s performance (Citrus Crunch is filling in for Pave de Montélimar); in other words, accessorized to the max; less eye-dazzling architecture on the appointments & furnishings within (i.e., bonbones) – a mix ‘n match of scruffy molds & thick terry-cloth enrobe'd, weirding of some weary candy colors of a certain impoverished exiguity (gamboge jaundiced brown, techni-color FDA #18 orange & sesame seeds from 1 piece scattered across the entire box display as if the project came in way over budget & had to scrimp at the end on basics like paint)... all encased in dual customized trays doubling-down on the exact same line-up (guess he & she sleep together – maybe even share the same toothbrush - but take their chocolate separately)

Aromas   3.4 / 5
smells of cheap perfume from Bloomies coming off the escalator on Level 6; antiseptic nostril-cleansing citrus ('ginger aromatherapy') anchored in nut oils... beckoning to go to the next floor
Textures/Melt   5.2 / 10
Shells: thick prophylactics & flabby pierced earlobes
Centers: opposite their shells; in Norman Mailer's words: for a thin-lipped, confident grin- speaks to teeth which know how far they could bite into every bone, pie, nipple or tit.
Flavor   23.4 / 50
subprime market; an inch wide / inch deep; inconsiderable & inconsequential chocolate amnesia & sometimes upholstered in so much sugar cheerleading the proceedings it's hard to tell if there's any chocolate at all... makes for 'haute twinkies'; cross-bleeding of flavors from one piece to the other; generally opaque & bleary / randomized & site-nonspecific; in light of all this, the presentation amounts to over-leveraging... a classic pump & dump
Quality   11.7 / 30
This hotel's got “it” – the facade, panache, buzz... like Capriani's exclusive membership hotel clubs. Now all it needs is to properly staff it, in the finest British tradition, with a genuine chocolatier, not a sub-sous-chef, one who's credentialed in the culinary arts demonstrating real chops & skills.

Bottom line: more interested in real-estate marketing than chocolate making.
Couverture: generic
Walnut Caramel - thick shell onto a hollowed-out center & the 2 stay separate like that; very sweet dessert-level walnut w/o much chocolate backing
Vanilla Velvet - candy mall; heavy artificial orange food glaze colors & lemonizes the whole piece into a vacuous profile
Dark Chocolate & Ginger - a mini-bar flavored w/ candied ginger oil against a dark empty canvas of slow resin texture
Crispy Pecan Praline - cookie wafer in Milk Choc conjuring toffee; post-coital comfort fare
Sesame Smoothie - construction epoxy-glue
Milk - seemingly infused w/ the ginger from the Dark mini-bar; otherwise bland

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