Box Chocolate Review


Info Details
Country Germany   (Bad Honnef)
Style Industrial      (really primitive & unknown to science)
Bunker-busting sugar-bombs; there’s no bottom to which this won’t go. Mind-boggling spam; the only possible satisfaction is giving it to someone you don't like. Coppeneur must’ve robbed the Good ‘n Plenty factory along with Skittles to get these flavors, then added fatal amounts of even more sugar. The gap between this & its outstanding bar collection (including several ones top-ranked) is wider than hiking the Grand Canyon on a bone-dry blistering hot day in July without water, making it simply impossible to go rim-to-rim & trek to the other side. Some civil body should issue an immediate injunction against any further production, quarantine remaining stockpiles as WMDs & dismantle them in a Sweet Proctology Lab. Then establish an Int’l Tribunal & read them their Miranda rights. It’s quite alright if they choose to remain dead silent: their name is emblazoned all over the damaging pile of excrement, ur.... evidence; self-incriminating... virtually taking the witness stand... a pre-conviction.
Presentation   4.7 / 5
beautifully-bizarre; pieces staged in a modular folding bento-box, origami-meets-tatami cum tea ceremony; ideal for hospital patients (& a doctor is exactly what’s needed)
Aromas   0.9 / 5
cinemuck: plastic, wax, & candied syrup (fruits are jellies, coffees dregs, & truffles drenched in rubbing alcohol); artificially amped & damaged
Textures/Melt   3.4 / 10
Shells: armored steel
Centers: goop
Flavor   9.2 / 50
after 2 or 3 pieces start praying for meteors to hit earth, or nuclear Armageddon, anything but more of this unbidden HAZMAT
Quality   4.1 / 30
Medieval; super heavy-handed, Teutonic knight wielding a morningstar - that spiked ball on a club - like a pole-ax. Just ransacks the taste buds. Equilibrium way out of kilter & off tilt, immeasurable imbalances. Leaves only 1 question unanswered: “where’s the chocolate?”
Couverture: Callebaut (herein may lie the problem)
Calvados Truffle – blistering rubbing alcohol; only at the backend do apple undertones vaporize up
Highland Whiskey Truffle – another scorching nip, basically served neat / straight, no chase... to fall off the cliff
Rum Truffle – more vapor trails straight from the cane sugar mill distillery out back
Mandarin – teeth-dissolving sugar ‘n acid
Strawberry Yoghurt – vile berry ‘n cream
Key Lime – slime
Irish Coffee – according to Peterman’s Irish grandmother, there are 3 types of Irish based on definitions deeper than money: character, & they are – a) raw, untutored shanty Irish (can be a good thing, down-to-earth people); b) pretentious lace-curtain Irish; c) true Irish. This ain’t any of these, but a continental imposter instead, trying to curry favor in the New Ireland w/ mealy marzipan the consistency & taste of biscotti soaked for days in cold coffee
Latte – only edible one in the entire batch - & barely that, as a girding metallic caramel scraps bottom of the cup
Café Cognac –takes real skill & the audacity of dopes to ruin a good bottle of cognac

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