by Salgado
Info Details
Country Argentina   
Type Flavored   (Hazelnuts; Milk Chocolate)
Strain Carenero   (Criollo/Trinitario hybrid)
Source Venezuela   (Barlovento)
Flavor Earthen   
Style Industrial      
Washington, DC boasts the emblematic store symbolizing America’s dog-gone consumption habits... a pastry shop selling high-end dog biscuits (possibly filled with additives such as Bonerol for CED - Canine Erectile Dysfunction) as finely appointed & haute as any patisserie in Paris.

Called 3-Dog Bakery, it caters to upper-crust canines, the ultimate pampered power breed (certainly the Obamas’ pet drama will have run of this spot). Nothing of the subprime housing bubble here, but given the universal affection for ‘man’s best friend’, it should be able to fetch at least a bone’s worth of the White House stimulus package.

And this bar must be among the inventory, seeing how it’s equal parts 1-bark hazelnut, 1-bark sugar, & 1-bark Milk Choc.

But the theobromine in chocolate kills dogs, right? Well Michelle, Bush was ‘the decider’, you’re the uniter; there must be a way to bring chocolate & puppies together into one happy United Barks of America. Hmmm, what would Lincoln, King, & Reagan do?; they representing that collective-dream emancipating optimism-machine.

Consider this Gianduia a sort of metaphor for the country: it just might kill ‘em but they’ll love it while it’s going down.
Appearance   3.7 / 5
Color: light hazelnut-brown
Surface: weakly defined mold; grease spatter out back
Temper: gently burnished & oiled
Snap: soft-cheese plunk
Aroma   8.9 / 10
fragile balance between hazelnut butter & Milk Chocolate underscored in buttered croissant crumbs & cookie dough & wet dog hair
Mouthfeel   11.8 / 15
Texture: viscous gum
Melt: mega-mo (super slow motion)
Flavor   36.4 / 50
sugar blitz -> drywall paste -> butter wax -> slowly emerging filberts release dark toffee of some bark w/ no bite as it licks thru to bland Milk Chocolate -> buttered dust but sapid royal black mullberry too
Quality   14.1 / 20
Basically over before it started. Stale beginning (unfresh hazelnuts) create limited impact. Overall underpowered... an insufficient stimulus (too little Carenero content) to get out of the thick Textural rut (nut butter + milk fat) leaving a sticky, uneven impression & lacking the skills to make it vaunted.

Gianduja is such classic culinary media (witness Venchi’s version) that even this formulation of it brandishes special moments (in the mid-palate toffee, then the mulberry finish).

ING: sugar, cacáo butter, whole milk powder, cocoa mass, hazelnuts, lecithin

Reviewed Summer 2009


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