Chuao 75%
by Alain Ducasse
Impact
There are several kinds of Chuao.
There's Chew-WOW that just rips the richter scale.
Then there's 'chew-woe' of roughshod / roughhewn heartbreak.
And now there's this: chew-wha?... as in "WTF is this bar doing?"
Ducasse could be partially excused for, despite considerable resources, it IS in reality a fledgling barsmith.
But what about the floggers, err... (damn spell check) the bloggers with ass-ive (there it goes again) followings who've been on all 4s performing oral sex over rotting corpses wrapped in body bags labeled 'chocolate' (or it that just another spelling error, along with horse meat served up in "steak" sandwiches?). Prostituting for free bonbons? Really? That's what it comes down to? Or just incompetence? Which one: sycophant or ignorant? (And please try limiting the selection to no more than one.)
Anger as soon as fed is dead / 'Tis starving makes it fat - Emily Dickinson
Miscarriage of Justice: The good women of Chuao cooperative, who lovingly sun-dry cacáo seeds on the village church portico under the watchful eyes of their Lord, might wish to consider filing a malpractice suit. Then again, they're probably too damn busy tending to some of the finest cacáos on Earth & taking care of their families to bother with lawyers.
There's Chew-WOW that just rips the richter scale.
Then there's 'chew-woe' of roughshod / roughhewn heartbreak.
And now there's this: chew-wha?... as in "WTF is this bar doing?"
Ducasse could be partially excused for, despite considerable resources, it IS in reality a fledgling barsmith.
But what about the floggers, err... (damn spell check) the bloggers with ass-ive (there it goes again) followings who've been on all 4s performing oral sex over rotting corpses wrapped in body bags labeled 'chocolate' (or it that just another spelling error, along with horse meat served up in "steak" sandwiches?). Prostituting for free bonbons? Really? That's what it comes down to? Or just incompetence? Which one: sycophant or ignorant? (And please try limiting the selection to no more than one.)
Appearance 4.3 / 5
| Color: | riparian brown |
| Surface: | spotless 'til the swirls on the back |
| Temper: | receding |
| Snap: | a swell |
Aroma 5.1 / 10
traffics in roasted nuts on the campfire along the still-water Chuao riverbank... very low-to-the-ground around the tree trunks
none of that readily identifiable blueberry cocoa butter scent from the valley's cacáo
none of that readily identifiable blueberry cocoa butter scent from the valley's cacáo
Mouthfeel 12.4 / 15
| Texture: | slight grain |
| Melt: | best part of an otherwise dispiriting experience |
Flavor 23.8 / 50
gets at it with parched kindling wood -> brownies -> dirty blueberry -> blue corn & the problems set-in for good -> strange black olive (a 1st for Chuao) -> caustic vanilla -> char -> burn marks -> scorched cocoa -> somehow / someway that earlier berry re-surfaces in the afterlife like Carrie's hand reaching up from the grave... stepped on by grilled pig's feet as a terminal coup de grâce
Quality 5.6 / 20
A confabulation of woes starting with the formulation (again, same rancid oils from the vanilla &/or sunflower lecithin found in Ducasse's faux Porcelana); add poor storage, over-cooking, incomplete particle suspension, & off-flavors (in the interest of not wasting any more space-time-&-breath, please refer to the Quality section in a prior discussion on the pros & cons of sunflower lecithin).
Whichever "cocoa-guru consultant" advised this start-up should be barred from inflicting further wreckage.
Ranks right up with Choklat's vandalism and Pralus' torching of other Venzys now in the Choc Halls of Infamy.
In the quest for the worst Chuao -- perhaps the most difficult challenge in all of chocodom -- this sinks straight to the bottom. Seriously, it's hard to mess up an origin with so proud a trade-name that it practically preens around as its own cultivar (when in actuality it cultivates a motley slew of varietals).
Hey, chocolate award organizers, maybe there could be a category for such a dubious achievement; might prove more unanimous & dependable than the other categories.
Degradation, formalized.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, sugar, cocoa butter, sunflower lecithin, vanilla, fleur de sel
Reviewed June 14, 2013
Whichever "cocoa-guru consultant" advised this start-up should be barred from inflicting further wreckage.
Ranks right up with Choklat's vandalism and Pralus' torching of other Venzys now in the Choc Halls of Infamy.
In the quest for the worst Chuao -- perhaps the most difficult challenge in all of chocodom -- this sinks straight to the bottom. Seriously, it's hard to mess up an origin with so proud a trade-name that it practically preens around as its own cultivar (when in actuality it cultivates a motley slew of varietals).
Hey, chocolate award organizers, maybe there could be a category for such a dubious achievement; might prove more unanimous & dependable than the other categories.
Degradation, formalized.
INGREDIENTS: cocoa mass, sugar, cocoa butter, sunflower lecithin, vanilla, fleur de sel
Reviewed June 14, 2013